Mourning The Loss of a Friendship

I am quite an emotional person.  I rarely feel eh on something.  When I'm sad, I cry.  When I'm happy, sometimes I cry then too.  When I'm angry, I yell or cry.  It's just the way I am.  I'm not always rational, and am aware, usually after the fact, that I make situations about me.  It's very hard for me to forgive when I, or someone I love, am hurt by someone. I take things personally, even when it doesn't truly involve me.  This is me.

Right now, I have a lot of anger and hurt inside.  I'm trying to let it go.  It's not my battle, but several times a day, I'm thrown back in.  It shouldn't affect me, but in reality it does.

When people start a relationship with someone, especially as the relationship gets more and more serious, friends get involved, family gets involved. As time goes on, other relationships form with this significant other, whether they be friendships, sister like relationships, bro relationships, whatever.  What happens when that main relationship ends?  Do all of the relationships end also? I know we should pick family over friends and so on, but why should we really have to choose at all. Surely they have friends that don't like me or I don't like... right?

My situation isn't exactly like this, but it really made me question everything.  In my situation, it was made clear recently that I wasn't a friend.  That this friend of mine who had been dating a family member for 3+ years and had a child together, only considered me his family and not really a friend. Even worse, I found out that everything I thought I knew, everything I stood up for her on, was a show or a lie.  It hurt to hear her say "In our whole relationship, I've never been aloud to hang out with my friends.  Only your family." At least at that point I knew where I stood, even though it was like taking a dagger to the back.  To be removed from her friends on Facebook, even though I wasn't alone, hurts.  Yes she removed us all, the entire family, but it hurts no less.  I know that may sound silly. It's only Facebook you might say, but this was basically the final piece in losing who I thought was a friend.

This is awful and sad.  A relationship ending, especially since there are children involved.  I feel terrible for being so selfish to mourn my friendship ending. Clearly there wasn't really one anyway. I was only his family.  We used to take the kids to the park, the pet store, or Laugh Out Loud.  We used to go shopping or out to eat and to happy hours.  We went to a Maroon 5 concert together. We talked about everything.  I thought things were so different.  There has been a disconnect for a while, honestly, but I hoped, in time it would fix itself.  I guess this is how it was fixed but I can't help just feeling sad... sad and angry.

We were in similar positions.  We were both outsiders in this family. The in-laws I suppose.  We were both mothers of similar aged children and we had a lot of things in common. We loved to shop, listened to the same music, watched a lot of the same television shows, enjoyed the same movies, and both had a love for nautical, Vera Bradley, and England.

They say people are brought into your life for a reason.  I did get two great nieces out of this, but is that really all?  I find myself wanting to email or text her.  To fight for our friendship, but then I'm betraying family.  I can't be that selfish... can I?  What if I don't talk about the family? What if I don't talk about her to the family?  There is really so much more to this.  More that really complicates things even further, but those things don't really involve me.  They do however make me question the friendship and if she was even who she led me to believe she was, or if she was wearing a mask or being a chameleon changing her color to blend with her surroundings. If I'm questioning these things, is it really worth fighting for this friendship? Risking so many other relationships? I'm guessing the answer is no.  Maybe this is a situation where time heals all wounds.  Maybe that's what I'll give the whole situation... time.

Sorry, I've really just needed an outlet to vent to.  My husband doesn't understand, and since it's his family, he doesn't feel the same way I do.  I try to talk to him and he just doesn't see where I'm coming from.  There is really so much more to this that contributes to being so torn in my feelings that I really can't go into at this time, so for now, I just feel hurt.


Mindy Gauthier said…
HI Liz,
I am so sorry you are going through this loss. I have had such a 'crazy' winter with my own family, work, and school that I haven't been able to catch up on the blogs I love to visit - only getting quick glimpses from Facebook or Instagram, but to read your words today makes me sad for you and I just wanted to say what you are feeling is so very normal and even though it hurts it will eventually not hurt as much. In case you hadn't noticed I may have a few years on you ;) and I can say that I have had to let some friends and family go in my life and it never hurts less, or seems less surprising each time it happens. You are grieving and the hurt is normal, especially when someone we thought of as part of our life says things that hurt or make us feel like we didn't see the whole picture. It seems like the person you are talking about is probably hurting too, but is also pretty angry about her situation. My best advice is to focus on your family, which you do so well, and if there ever comes a time when you can be friends with that person again and it's what you want, then be there for her. I am not surprised by your husband's reaction, from all your blog posts and the pictures I've seen he seems like a dedicated family man, sticking up for his brother, or looking like he is taking sides is probably exactly what his personality would have him do. I hope in time you are feeling less betrayed and that you don't let what happened keep you from always being you. Take care, Mindy

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